You don't have asthma, your pregnant
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
