btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
