I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think your dad took our porno
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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