So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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