Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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