Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
