I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize