i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
