I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
