you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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