life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's shark week go big or go home
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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