Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize