The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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