you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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