what day is it and did you see me today?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You've changed since you got that strap on
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up under a house in Key West
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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