There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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