i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
