On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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