is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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