Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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