I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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