I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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