I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
