My liver just broke up with me...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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