literally had 100 drinks last night.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
