found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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