just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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