You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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