I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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