Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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