i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
