i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
