if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
