When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
