New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Send help, water and tortillas.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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