I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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