since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
