I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
