i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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