I wanna bring you to show and tell
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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