he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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