she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
