Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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