How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
