3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just cut my nipple shaving
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
