i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
