I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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