twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize