Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize