Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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