You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
