I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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