I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I am never drinking with the goths again.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
