swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
