I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
