I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
