After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
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