Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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