Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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